For a Pessimist, I am Pretty Optimistic

To be honest, maybe hate is too harsh a word in this case. I’m not saying I don’t hate anyone. I actually hate plenty of people. In fact, the list grows so much each day that I really should consider speaking to a professional about it.

Still, I can’t seem to manage to develop complete feelings of hatred towards anyone I have slept with or had a relationship with. Trust me, I’ve tried. With some individuals it would have made life a hell of a lot easier if I hated them. That way they wouldn’t be able to claw back into my life when I least expect it. If you couldn’t have guessed by now, Mr. X has contacted me once again.

After a much needed night’s sleep, I woke up to sunshine streaming through my windows. Humming a song from “Across the Universe”, I sat at my desk and turned on my laptop. As I do every morning, I checked my yahoo mail and then signed on to my blog. Before I could even see how my other posts were doing, an AIM window popped up. “Just saying hi,” the message said. Seeing it ticked me off yet even though I knew I should just log off, I instead typed back “Why?”

Mr. X’s macho screen name: “I’ve been busy. Personal stuff

venusangell22: That’s too bad

Mr. X’s macho screen name: I know. I was there

venusangell22: No it’s too bad that you thought I would care

Mr. X’s macho screen name: I’m coming back to NY in Nov/Dec and was wondering if you wanted to get together

venusangell22: Listen I really don’t want to talk to you

Mr. X’s macho screen name: Ciao

The conversation lasted less than 2 minutes, but I was seeing red. I’ve moved on, so what is it that makes him really get under my skin? If anything, shouldn’t the strongest feeling he evoke be annoyance? Before I could mull over this longer, Mr. X messaged me again.

Mr. X’s macho screen name: Why are being so nasty to me?

venusangell22: Cause I hate you

Mr. X’s macho screen name: Ouch. If you’re pissed then fine, but did you have to use hate?

venusangell22: Can you blame me?

Mr. X’s macho screen name: I haven’t talked to you for a while. I couldn’t have done anything to make you hate me

I had to log off at that point.

So now I address you, Mr. X. Do you really think my anger towards you is unmerited?

I hate that can contact me no matter what. Even after I moved, changed my phone number too many times to count, changed jobs, and changed my email thrice. It’s not that I think you’re a stalker because I know you’d never put in that much effort. But still, damn it!

I hate that you refused to tell me your name the first time we met. Seriously, what the hell was up with that?

I hate that you wasted so much of my high school years. When I wanted to break up because we were moving to different schools and would probably never see each other, you told me to do so would prove that I never loved you. So instead of hanging out with my friends or meeting cute boys in class, I spent my time waiting at home for your phone calls. 2 years later, you broke up with me saying “Why’d I let you convince me we should stay together when we go to different schools?”

I hate that you have such a meddlesome sister. After she saw me in the street, I told her not to say a word to you. Instead, she followed me to my job and told you where I worked. Not only did you remember I existed, but you contacted me at a place where I was required to pick up every phone call. You persisted even after I hung up on you 30 times and somehow managed to trap me in your web again.

I hate that you took my virginity on a lawn chair by the pool. This being after I propositioned you in my bedroom and you turned me down saying that “We should wait for the perfect time.” True, I didn’t protest at all by the pool. Hey, can I help it if I was always a bit kinky?

I hate that I let you hide me in the bathroom that day Carmen came over to speak with you. Did you really think I believed any of your pathetic excuses? Just because I never caught the two of you together didn’t mean I was blind to what was going on. Besides, the fact that her husband came to your apartment to kick your ass was proof enough for me.

I hate that you chose to disappear the day before our wedding. It wouldn’t have been as bad as it was if you had the courtesy to pull that shit even a day sooner. Months later you would finally contact me and say “Sorry I was scared.” Oh please, even I knew deep down you were only engaged to me because you thought it was something to do to pass the time.

I hate that you took back the engagement ring. I at least deserved the pleasure of pawning it away.     

I hate that you chose to meet in New Jersey under the pretense of “just catching up”. After what you did, you still proposed to me again with the requirement that we be engaged for no less than a year. When I asked why, you responded “So I can have time to figure out if I’m gay or not.” I certainly had a great laugh! While this would mark the day that I officially got over you, I was still pissed that I wasted a 2 hour train ride for nothing.

I hate the fact that after I’ve been married for years, you had the nerve to contact me a few months ago to ask me to leave my husband.  You told me your plans if I was to do so. Apparently, you would try to get full custody of the brat you sired with that other girl named Angie. Then we would marry and set up house until you (and just you) went overseas “to do business” for 2 years. Why were you so surprised when I responded with a firm “No,”?

I don’t feel the need to validate my point further.

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