For a Pessimist, I am Pretty Optimistic

1.       DO NOT go into the task bare handed.  You may think your cat is sweet and docile, but that will change the minute they realize you intend to put them in the water. Have a cat that’s older and mature and has never scratched you ever (even by accident)? He doesn’t care about breaking his track record; wear rubber gloves. Have a cat that’s perfectly self-trained into doing things such as sitting and fetching? He’ll instantly teach himself a few more tricks; wear rubber gloves. Have a cat that’s the size of Marlon Brando and never moves from his pillow? He’ll secretly have the agility of Michael Jordan; for the love of god, wear rubber gloves.

2.       DO NOT wear clothes such as tank tops, shorts, or even t-shirts. You would think this would be a good idea since you’ll be getting wet from head to toe. After all, the less to get wet and stick to you soggily the better, right? Wrong. Like the rubber gloves, clothing protects you from the scratches when your cat jumps out the tub. Yes, your cat will get out of the tub at one point, unless you’re Vin Diesel. Even so, you have to have a heart smaller than The Grinch if you can hold your cat with a pincer-like grip while he’s moaning pitifully with hair that’s so soaked that it looks like he’s shrunken down 5 times his size.

3.       DO NOT play any type of music that may be considered by your elderly neighbors to be from the soundtrack of a horror film. Apparently Depeche Mode fits into this category? No matter your personal opinion, playing music such as this, along with the splashing water and your cat’s howls, may be heard through an open window and your nosy neighbor will just HAVE to ring your doorbell. Since they know that someone is home they will keep ringing said bell so you might as well answer. You really don’t have much of a choice anyway because the minute the chimes are sounded your cat will become even more terrified, if possible.

4.       DO NOT answer your door still wearing the rubber gloves.

5.       DO NOT drop the soap. Just like in prison, this can result in bodily harm. The soap or shampoo bottle will cause a slight splash and scare your cat. This is where your drenched long sleeved shirt and pants will prove that they were worth the bulkiness. Even though you’re protected from harm, you don’t want your cat to escape and get dirty again, prolonging bath time. With that being said…

6.       DO NOT let your cat roam around the house until he’s 100 percent dry. Because it is now scarred for life from the bathing experience, he will hide in a small, dark and dirty place that will make you wonder if he ate magic mushrooms to fit through there. Once he emerges after refusing the thousands of bribes and traps you offered him, you will have to capture him and repeat the bathing torture for the both of you.

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