For a Pessimist, I am Pretty Optimistic

During another boring Sunday evening, my roommate and I were lazily flipping through the movie channels.

“Ha, look at this title,” he called over to me, forcing my attention away from the computer.

The movie that caught his eye was “The Accidental Porn Star”. Gotta love those Skinimax titles!

“Seriously, how does someone become a porn star ‘by accident’?” my roommate joked. “What, you’re just walking around one day and then you trip and fall and suddenly there’s a penis inside you, the guy has a camera and you’re like whoops! I’m a porn star!”

We laughed because that sounded really implausible, but in actuality it’s not that hard to become an accidental porn star. It’s happened to me 3 times already!

I found out about the first tape when breaking up with a long term boyfriend. I was clearing up my things from his place in anticipation. While digging in the back of his closet to make sure nothing had fallen there, I came across three 8mm cassettes. They each had a girls name and one of them was mine. I sure as hell never did anything in front of a video camera with him! Not even bothering to watch the footage, I pulled all the tape out and cut it up with scissors. I didn’t stick around after that and when we fought on the phone later, he actually had the audacity to accuse me of going through his things.

The second tape was made with someone whom I saw for only a few months. After gleefully presenting the camera and his idea to me, I found myself declining. I had just had the most horrible day at work (I had been fired and planned to drink myself under the table), but was completely up for the idea on a day when I was feeling sexier. We did end up having sex that night (I had drunk myself under that table after all) and what do you know?

“Hmm,” he said in the morning. “It seems like the record button was pressed accidentally. I think it might even have recorded us having sex.”

Are you seriously fucking kidding me?! I thought. I was ready to smack him across the head with that damn camera, but I was too hung-over to argue. Instead I simply said “My, wasn’t that convenient?” He took the tape back to his place so he could “see exactly what it recorded” and make me a copy if anything.

When we broke up because, well, our sex life was just not doing it for me, he leered “At least I still have that tape where you were a porn star for me.” I never did get my copy…

The third time I learned about just two weeks ago. It had actually been made years before the first known tape. Mr. Z was my rebound guy who calls me every now and then to check if I’m still married or not. This time when he called, it was to tell me that he had found a link online to my post “I Like To Watch Porn.”

“I always knew you were kinky like that,” he said.

“What are you jealous that I never bothered to watch porn with you?” I snapped back.

“I’m fine with that, I have my own tape of you I can enjoy,” he responded. I protested and he said “Yes I do, don’t you remember the day when I taped us?”

I thought and thought back to almost 7 years ago when I had visited him in New Jersey. “I remember there was a time that after we had sex, you turned on your video camera. I asked you what the hell you were doing and you said you were trying to take a picture of me.” Then it dawned completely on me. “Oh god, you weren’t turning it on, you were turning it off! I can’t believe what a moron I was to buy that line you gave about how I was so sexy afterwards and blah blah blah.”

With fake indignation in his voice he said, “Well you better not be mad at me because I told you what I was doing.”

I complained to my roommate about these idiots and how it was awful that they had all this unknown footage on me. He asked “What bothers you the most, that you didn’t know about it or that they can watch this any time they want, years later?”

“A little of both,” I responded. “If they just told me they would do it I would have, I don’t know, worn a costume, sucked my stomach in, and been a bit louder? For all I know, these tapes could be in some sort of circulation…and it’s not even my best work!”

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