For a Pessimist, I am Pretty Optimistic

I hate shopping at my local Pathmark. It’s always ridiculously cold, over crowded and noisy. Not to mention it’s full of people who are stupid enough to tap on watermelons just because they’ve seen someone do that somewhere (do they even know what they think they’re listening for?) But the worst part is the checkout line. Besides the fact that they never have enough cashiers, while you’re waiting you’re forced to look at magazines with titles such as “Behold the 5 headed baby!” and “Britney on another drug hazed binge!”.

Let’s face it, when you’re bored and the line is moving at a snails pace, you sometimes find yourself flipping through these magazines to pass the time and check out just how bad those four extra heads are photo shopped. For me, I can’t resist picking up the latest Cosmopolitan to see what nonsense they’re spewing out that month. Whenever I do, I‘m just as baffled as to why any woman would actually pay for this five dollar collection of crap.

Seriously, every issue they advertise as the Sex issue (usually every other month) is loaded with the same regurgitated “tips”.  This month’s [The Hot Issue] was just as stupid as the rest. Not only did they do they’re usual we-can’t-think-of-any-material-so-we’re-g oing-to-just-run-polls bull, but they’re “Wild. Steamy. Shocking.” results were anything but.

Did you know that guys are more turned on by a woman who says she’s willing to try anything in bed? How about the fact that guys fantasize about threesomes even if they don’t tell their girlfriend they do? Or even that more men prefer to have the girl on top than missionary? That’s when I thought to myself “No shit, Cosmo!’ and closed the magazine irritated.

But what was I really expecting from a magazine where in June their biggest article was titled “HIS G Spot” and said that the male equivalent to the G Spot is his prostate. Well thanks Cosmo - I’m sure my guy will let me shove my fingers up his ass just because you said so. At least I can chuckle over how many squeamish men freaked out when their girl read the article and sprung this on them in the bedroom! After all, Cosmo said most girls should just go ahead and stick a finger in to see if he likes it (yet if a guy were to do this sneak attack to a girl, she’d balk).

These asinine articles are nothing compared to their “steamy advice” (the word advice belongs in quotes because they never actually answer  the questions). Cosmo boasted that its May Sex Q&A was their naughtiest, even adding the phrase “Yeah, we went there!” After checking out the table of contents so I wouldn’t be subjected to the rest of the crap, I came across the first “shocking” question: My guy wants me to tie him up. Exactly what do I do once he’s bound to the bed? If someone really can’t figure out what happens next then I think that girl has other problems to deal with, mostly related to the fact that she must be as dumb as a rock.

Ladies, if you really need to get your sex advice from a magazine, try writing to Maxim of Stuff. At least when you ask them “What should I do to get my guy in the mood?” they’ll respond with a more realistic “Blow him,” than Cosmo’s “Light some candles to set an atmosphere.”

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