For a Pessimist, I am Pretty Optimistic

The Marlon Brando of Cats

I’ve never been too much of a Marlon Brando fan, but that was because I associated him only with “A Streetcar Named Desire.” I hated the story, hated the character’s, and wanted nothing more than to find Stanley Kowalski and run him over with a Mack truck. After being forced to read the play and watch the movie in high school, I especially hated how all the stupid girls in my class would say “Oh Stanley is so romantic screaming in the street. And look at his body!” They needed to be run over with a Mack truck as well…but I digress.

Yet even I couldn’t deny that yes, his body was divine. So it’s no wonder that there are so many people who shake their heads and say “It’s a shame how much Marlon Brando let himself go when he got older.” I don’t begrudge the man; after all not only did he lead an indulgent lifestyle, but his health wasn’t faring well when he started to balloon up.

So now look at this guy:

Small, lean, and just plain adorable, right? That’s my little guy Jakob. I found him at the local Petco and couldn’t resist his big green/blue eyes as he meowed at me and stuck out his little paws. According to the staff, he was one of the cutest cats and even though there were 5 other adorable kitties also in the cage, there had been many applications for him. The adoption lady said that she decided to pick me since I already had two other cats which would be great company since he was extremely playful.

But just like Mr. Brando, Jakob was horribly temperamental. He never wanted to be cuddled or pet by me, only by his Daddy. He didn’t seem to care that I fed him, gave him treats, tried to play with him, even had long nails for better scratches…nope, Daddy was the only person who he wanted to be near. He would cause so much mischief and trouble around me that to this day while the other cats will come when their name is called, he instead immediately runs away when you say “Jakob, no!”

Then one day I saw him asleep on the couch and noticed his swelled up pink belly.

I found it odd; I noticed he had gotten plumper but I assumed it was because not only was his Daddy constantly feeding him treats simply for being cute, but that he was developing the sack that most neutered males get after the procedure.

It turned out that he had a urinary blockage. The vet put him in a catheter for a day, gave us some medicine, and told us that we needed to feed him special food.

Even after spending a ridiculous amount at the vet (Seriously, why are all 24 hour emergency vets crooks?) Jakob still kept plumping up. He also started to get really lazy (like Mr. Brando as he became older) and even though he’d still pick the occasional fight with the cats, he was almost always on my bed. Since I like to sit in bed while using my laptop, I suddenly became his best friend!

So why did he keep plumping? Because he’s a ravenous and somewhat gross cat, that’s why! He eats everything and anything , his favorite being plastic shopping bags.

But Venus, you say, he’s not that bad. After all, there was just that 44 pound cat that was adopted – maybe you’re being a little too harsh?

Well nuts to you, because I have the ultimate proof:

Here’s him being a pest and trying to steal a box away from his oldest brother

And here’s them now – there’s no way the two of them would fit inside anything anymore!

His favorite position:

Our family (can you guess which one is The Pudgester?):

P.S. On another interesting note, Jakob is the same silly cat who’s sexuality I questioned in “I Think My Cat Might Be Gay? (Not that there’s anything wrong with it)” Mr. Brando’s sexuality had been questioned also to which he is quoted as saying “Homosexuality is so much in fashion it no longer makes news. Like a large number of men, I, too, have had homosexual experiences and I am not ashamed. I have never paid much attention to what people think about me. But if there is someone who is convinced that Jack Nicholson and I are lovers, may they continue to do so. I find it amusing.”