For a Pessimist, I am Pretty Optimistic

The Marlon Brando of Cats

I’ve never been too much of a Marlon Brando fan, but that was because I associated him only with “A Streetcar Named Desire.” I hated the story, hated the character’s, and wanted nothing more than to find Stanley Kowalski and run him over with a Mack truck. After being forced to read the play and watch the movie in high school, I especially hated how all the stupid girls in my class would say “Oh Stanley is so romantic screaming in the street. And look at his body!” They needed to be run over with a Mack truck as well…but I digress.

Yet even I couldn’t deny that yes, his body was divine. So it’s no wonder that there are so many people who shake their heads and say “It’s a shame how much Marlon Brando let himself go when he got older.” I don’t begrudge the man; after all not only did he lead an indulgent lifestyle, but his health wasn’t faring well when he started to balloon up.

So now look at this guy:

Small, lean, and just plain adorable, right? That’s my little guy Jakob. I found him at the local Petco and couldn’t resist his big green/blue eyes as he meowed at me and stuck out his little paws. According to the staff, he was one of the cutest cats and even though there were 5 other adorable kitties also in the cage, there had been many applications for him. The adoption lady said that she decided to pick me since I already had two other cats which would be great company since he was extremely playful.

But just like Mr. Brando, Jakob was horribly temperamental. He never wanted to be cuddled or pet by me, only by his Daddy. He didn’t seem to care that I fed him, gave him treats, tried to play with him, even had long nails for better scratches…nope, Daddy was the only person who he wanted to be near. He would cause so much mischief and trouble around me that to this day while the other cats will come when their name is called, he instead immediately runs away when you say “Jakob, no!”

Then one day I saw him asleep on the couch and noticed his swelled up pink belly.

I found it odd; I noticed he had gotten plumper but I assumed it was because not only was his Daddy constantly feeding him treats simply for being cute, but that he was developing the sack that most neutered males get after the procedure.

It turned out that he had a urinary blockage. The vet put him in a catheter for a day, gave us some medicine, and told us that we needed to feed him special food.

Even after spending a ridiculous amount at the vet (Seriously, why are all 24 hour emergency vets crooks?) Jakob still kept plumping up. He also started to get really lazy (like Mr. Brando as he became older) and even though he’d still pick the occasional fight with the cats, he was almost always on my bed. Since I like to sit in bed while using my laptop, I suddenly became his best friend!

So why did he keep plumping? Because he’s a ravenous and somewhat gross cat, that’s why! He eats everything and anything , his favorite being plastic shopping bags.

But Venus, you say, he’s not that bad. After all, there was just that 44 pound cat that was adopted – maybe you’re being a little too harsh?

Well nuts to you, because I have the ultimate proof:

Here’s him being a pest and trying to steal a box away from his oldest brother

And here’s them now – there’s no way the two of them would fit inside anything anymore!

His favorite position:

Our family (can you guess which one is The Pudgester?):

P.S. On another interesting note, Jakob is the same silly cat who’s sexuality I questioned in “I Think My Cat Might Be Gay? (Not that there’s anything wrong with it)” Mr. Brando’s sexuality had been questioned also to which he is quoted as saying “Homosexuality is so much in fashion it no longer makes news. Like a large number of men, I, too, have had homosexual experiences and I am not ashamed. I have never paid much attention to what people think about me. But if there is someone who is convinced that Jack Nicholson and I are lovers, may they continue to do so. I find it amusing.”

 
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I am stubborn and leaving the poll up for one more day – come on guys, only 14 votes? I know we can do better than that!

Currently “The Marlon Brando of Cats” is winning, but the fatty wasn’t cooperative this morning and wouldn’t let me take the last picture needed to complete the post (after spending 15 frantic minutes looking everywhere for him, I found him sleeping in my closed closet?!?)

Besides, I also left out a title which is now included. If any of the original 14 voters feel horribly outraged by this omission, then just let me know you’d like to change your vote in the comments section. Or let us know that you’re horribly outraged and where you are so I can come and smack you in the nose.

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Aw crap, I have writers block. I’m blocked so much to the point that I can’t even think of a knee slapping intro to this proposition (just the title).

In fact, lately all I can come up with are titles. Oh sure, there’s a story behind them but once I type that title and hit enter to get to the next line in Word, I do nothing but stare at the blinking cursor.

Damn I just did it now! Seriously, I think I zoned out for a good 3 minutes before a crashing noise outside of the office brought me back to reality. Help!

Why don’t we test to see how many people actually read this blog and start FAPIPO’s first poll ever? Yup that’s right, I’m passing the buck to you guys! What should I write about next? Have no fear – everything is humor related (in my own twisted way)!

A friend of mine finally made contact after trying unsuccessfully to reach me for a week. Between adjusting to my new early work schedule, never-ending unpacking, and all the work that goes into maintaining FAPIPO, I’ve been a bit unreachable to everyone in the outside world. To top it off, I’ve also decided to take up the project of creating my own webpage.

As I told my friend about it and how the page would be dedicated to everything classic film related, he asked me what I was doing at the moment. “Watching another Rita Hayworth movie,” I replied.

“Who?” was his pretty much expected response.

“Just another actress from my old movies,” I simplified for him.

“You’re always watching those…they’re so boring. You should catch up with Heroes instead so you’ll be ready when the new season begins.”

“Well, I have to watch them so I can get started with my site.”

“It’s a site all about this lady?”

Exasperated since this wasn’t the first time I talked about this, I said “No, it’s a site all about classic films. I wasted too much time worrying about a layout that I almost forgot I would need material! So now I’m re-watching a ton of movies.”

“That’s weird; it sounds like you have a crush on her.”

“Did you even hear what I said? It’s not all about her.”

“But aren’t you going to write about other actresses.”

“Yes and other actors as well. So?”

“So it sounds like you have crushes on these people. Weird. Anyway, I’m headed to my car and then I have to rush back to the city for a David Cook concert.”

“Who?”

“He won the last American Idol. Remember, I played a CD of all his performances that time we drove to Montauk?”

“How could I forget? You made us listen to that the entire four hour drive.”

“Yeah, well he’s performing in the American Idol concert so I have to head out now if I want to make it out on time.”

I snickered. “You mean to tell me you’re running off to go see some American Idol supposed heartthrob? Isn’t that a little…”

“No, he’s a really good singer; you heard his stuff. Besides he’s got this good guy rocker image…you know, like I have (if I could sing or play an instrument). I’m telling you, he’s really amazing. Anyway, I gotta go.”

And I’m the weird one!!!