For a Pessimist, I am Pretty Optimistic

My mother’s second marriage when I was 9 years old did not please me. Besides the fact that my step-father and I never really got along (mostly because we’re both too stubborn for our own good), I had to move. That meant leaving my grandmother’s large house for a small condo and thus, leaving my personal playground. My grandmother’s house was so much more than a house. The living room was a stage to act out everything from I Dream of Jeannie to even Thundercats. The tiled basement was a dance studio for tap dancing i.e. clunking around. The patio was where Cinderella would sing to herself and sweep up the leaves (much to my grandmother’s pleasure). And of course, the backyard was for running across the English moors with Heathcliff.

However, my grandmother’s house did not include my step-father’s super secret den (super secret because I was not allowed inside). Any time he and my mother were either asleep or out of the house, I would sneak in and gawk at his random collection of things. Some of my favorites were a plastic monkey filled with pennies, a bunch of colored beaded necklaces in a cup that said “Mardi Gras ‘88”, and his collection of teaching aids that contained comic book versions of Shakespeare’s plays.  Yet my absolute favorite was a framed poster of the entire genealogy of English royalty, which contained the family tree of the Tudor Dynasty.

I was fascinated with learning about the Tudor court; it was more exciting than anything I could imagine! I grew particularly attached to the story of Anne Boleyn, Henry VIII’s second wife. After spending 10 years changing the laws and creating a new church so he could divorce his first wife and marry Anne, he finally marries her only to accuse her of treason and behead her when she does not produce him a son.  She’s been likened from a whore, to an incestress, to a witch. Interestingly, Anne’s only daughter, Elizabeth I, became one of England’s longest reigning monarchs.

Besides Anne’s story, there is so much more drama that went on in the Tudor family. Love, betrayal, sex, murder…sounds like your typical soap opera. Which makes it no surprise that Showtime took notice and produced their original series The Tudors. Yet despite having practically an already scripted story, things were changed around. Characters were missing, new ones were created, and why do all the men have such modern haircuts? The final insult was when I learned that the actress who played Anne Boleyn, a petite brown eyed, brown haired spitfire, was portrayed by a blond haired, green eyed actress who spent most of her time showing her heaving bosoms.

Going with the new trend of The Tudors, historical fiction about King Henry VIII was prominently displayed on bookstore shelves, amongst them being The Other Boleyn Girl. It tells the story of Mary Boleyn, Anne’s sister.

There isn’t much known about Mary besides bare facts.  Both Mary and Anne were sent to the royal court of France. Rumors about Mary’s lack of chastity circulated and she was sent back to England. Despite being married, she was seduced by Henry VIII (they may or may not have an illegitimate child). Her affair with the king ended as abruptly as it started. Anne returned from France and Mary remained in court as her companion. Mary’s husband died while Anne was being courted by the King. After Anne and the King married, Mary requested their permission to marry a commoner. Anne and the King balked at the idea and banished them from court. Mary then lived out a quiet life in the country, never to return to the court again.

Of course this was not the exact story that the book presented. But even though the novel contained many (and I mean many) inaccuracies, I reminded myself that it was historical fiction and wasn’t surprised at its growing popularity. Despite some wariness, I was excited when I learned that a movie version was being released. Natalie Portman was properly cast to play Anne and my confidence in the movie grew. Then the trailers were released. After watching just 30 seconds of footage, I was infuriated. From what I had seen, the script didn’t even follow the premise of the book. Fiercely I swore that I would boycott the movie and not watch or learn one single thing about it. I held up to my vow…until today. I couldn’t help but read a few reviews which then led me to reading a few spoilers which now leads me to this desire to scream. Allow me to share some things that could just not go unnoticed:

1.       “Mary Boleyn (Scarlett Johansson) becomes a pawn of her family’s ambition and is seduced by King Henry VIII (Eric Bana).  While pregnant with his child, Mary’s sister Anne (Natalie Portman) starts to turn Henry’s affections away from Mary and towards herself.”

This is one of the inaccuracies from the book that I was hoping they would change. In an attempt to get the reader to sympathize with Mary, they had to portray her as the “good” sister. To do so, one of the things the author created was that Anne “stole” the king away from not only his wife, but also her pregnant sister. Yet, I find it interesting that Anne was able to do this all the way from France. Anne lived in France since early childhood and did not return to England until years after the king lost interest in Mary.

2.       “Afraid of the King’s anger and the chance that he too will divorce her or worse, Anne asks her brother George to help her in fathering a new child.”

This is by far the most annoying accusation that Anne received. It’s a historical fact that this was untrue. They say that George’s wife, jealous of his lack of interest, created this lie in a testimony against Anne. It has been speculated that her words were twisted by council, but in any case it was her testimony that allowed the court to condemn both Anne and her brother.

The movie includes a scene where Anne and George attempt sex, but then he backs out of it. Yet another scene completely made up, as the book was written from Mary’s point of view.

3.       “Shortly before Anne’s execution, Mary goes to beg for the life of her sister. The King reassures her that Anne will be spared but as Anne is standing on the scaffold, Mary receives a letter from the King telling her that Anne will not in fact be pardoned and Mary, for her own safety, should never speak of these matters again.  Heartbroken, Mary watches as her sister Anne is beheaded. “

Adding this scene was just a pathetic excuse to give Scarlett Johansson more screen time. Besides not even being in the novel, Mary would have had to astrally project herself all the way from Rochford for this to have occurred. And even if she did posses this power, I highly doubt she’d risk being persecuted as a witch and being executed herself.

As I mentioned earlier, she was exiled out to the court. She did not dramatically beg for the king’s favor. She didn’t even come for the execution of her two siblings. She stayed far and away and safe – which she had to do for the safety of herself and her children…no matter how close she was to her condemned family.

(By the way, I refuse to acknowledge the ending of the movie that shows Mary raising Elizabeth I as a child)

I just don’t understand these so-called historical movies. Most of the time the real story is always more than enough to hold an audience’s interest. There’s no need to add! And if they really feel that they must, then why don’t they just give it a new title and simply call it fiction?