For a Pessimist, I am Pretty Optimistic

(Poll at bottom of post)

I so hate my job, but let’s face it; I’m not the only one in this predicament. I have a boss who can be an intrusive bitch, another who is only valuable to the company when he’s drunk, and another who pisses the company money away while the former two spend every waking moment bitching about him. Add that with the fact that answering phones for a bottled water company is doing absolutely nothing for my writing career and you’ve got more than enough reasons for me to put a gun to my head.

Yet despite all this, the thing that drives me insane the most is my bosses dog, whom she insists on bringing with her to the office everyday (unless it rains – thus bringing me a new found appreciation for sudden downpours).

Every day it’s the same routine: my boss arrives 7 minutes after 10 (she’ll never admit that she’s late). The dog is first to the door, barking and howling. I let them in and the damn thing stands in the center of the office barking up a storm. This is accompanied by my boss shouting “Eh! Eh! Eh!” because she thinks that this will make the dog stop (it doesn’t). My boss stops her noises after 5 minutes, but the dog continues for about an hour. That is unless the phone rings – then the dog starts barking again prompting my boss to make her ridiculous noises.

When people arrive to the office it’s even worse. Since the dog is quite large and extremely loud, no one wants to come in with it howling at them through the door. So then I have to be the Dog Whisperer, drop whatever I’m doing, and try to get this large creature to listen to me and move, all the while with my boss yelling from her office “She won’t bite, its okay!” Meanwhile, she’s so inconsiderate that she will never realize that it doesn’t matter what she says; if you’re scared of dogs and there’s a giant one howling at you, someone yelling in the background will not immediately cure anyone of their fear. Not to mention that even though she claims the dog won’t bite, this dog does. She’s ripped apart the pants of two of the sales guys and keeps trying to get mine. I mention this to my boss and she replies “Oh that’s just because she’s so playful”. Right.

It’s been brought up many times how unprofessional it is for the dog to be barking in the background of a phone call or for the dog to trample all over prospective clients, but of course, my boss refuses to listen. “What do you expect me to do – just keep her all alone in my tiny apartment?” she whines. Um, yeah? That’s what a gazillion other dog owners have to do when they go to work; if it’s that much of a problem then don’t get a dog. That’s why I have cats – I know that my work schedule can get kind of erratic and I didn’t want to get a pet that would rely on me being home at a certain time so they could pee.

If her boss was in the office more, I wouldn’t have to deal with this problem, but since he’s always traveling, my oh-so-thoughtful “leader” brings the dog in anyway saying “I know how much you like having her around.” I don’t know how my pleas of “Oh my God, please stop barking!” means that I like the dog.

To add insult to injury, this dog can get like the Tasmanian devil and loves to destroy things around the place. She chews up everything and anything and when I try to pull things like a wad of glued up paper or my pocketbook out of her mouth, my boss gets upset with me for saying “No!”

“I’m the only one who is allowed to discipline my dog,” she practically snarls. Okay then lady, then when your dog eats an entire paper coffee cup and starts vomiting around the place, don’t come to me to bemoan over the fact that your dog is sick.

Keep in mind, I’m not a dog hater and I have nothing against people bringing their pets to work as long as the pet has the appropriate temperament. In the office next door, they have the sweetest little dog who sits quietly the entire day wagging her tail and will gladly smother you with kisses when you pick her up. The receptionist can always hear who’s on the line, clients can walk in without being attacked, and the employees can come and go as they please without worrying that they or their belongings will be torn apart. Maybe I should see if they’re hiring…

Do You Think Pets Should Be Allowed in the Workplace?
( surveys)

The Marlon Brando of Cats

I’ve never been too much of a Marlon Brando fan, but that was because I associated him only with “A Streetcar Named Desire.” I hated the story, hated the character’s, and wanted nothing more than to find Stanley Kowalski and run him over with a Mack truck. After being forced to read the play and watch the movie in high school, I especially hated how all the stupid girls in my class would say “Oh Stanley is so romantic screaming in the street. And look at his body!” They needed to be run over with a Mack truck as well…but I digress.

Yet even I couldn’t deny that yes, his body was divine. So it’s no wonder that there are so many people who shake their heads and say “It’s a shame how much Marlon Brando let himself go when he got older.” I don’t begrudge the man; after all not only did he lead an indulgent lifestyle, but his health wasn’t faring well when he started to balloon up.

So now look at this guy:

Small, lean, and just plain adorable, right? That’s my little guy Jakob. I found him at the local Petco and couldn’t resist his big green/blue eyes as he meowed at me and stuck out his little paws. According to the staff, he was one of the cutest cats and even though there were 5 other adorable kitties also in the cage, there had been many applications for him. The adoption lady said that she decided to pick me since I already had two other cats which would be great company since he was extremely playful.

But just like Mr. Brando, Jakob was horribly temperamental. He never wanted to be cuddled or pet by me, only by his Daddy. He didn’t seem to care that I fed him, gave him treats, tried to play with him, even had long nails for better scratches…nope, Daddy was the only person who he wanted to be near. He would cause so much mischief and trouble around me that to this day while the other cats will come when their name is called, he instead immediately runs away when you say “Jakob, no!”

Then one day I saw him asleep on the couch and noticed his swelled up pink belly.

I found it odd; I noticed he had gotten plumper but I assumed it was because not only was his Daddy constantly feeding him treats simply for being cute, but that he was developing the sack that most neutered males get after the procedure.

It turned out that he had a urinary blockage. The vet put him in a catheter for a day, gave us some medicine, and told us that we needed to feed him special food.

Even after spending a ridiculous amount at the vet (Seriously, why are all 24 hour emergency vets crooks?) Jakob still kept plumping up. He also started to get really lazy (like Mr. Brando as he became older) and even though he’d still pick the occasional fight with the cats, he was almost always on my bed. Since I like to sit in bed while using my laptop, I suddenly became his best friend!

So why did he keep plumping? Because he’s a ravenous and somewhat gross cat, that’s why! He eats everything and anything , his favorite being plastic shopping bags.

But Venus, you say, he’s not that bad. After all, there was just that 44 pound cat that was adopted – maybe you’re being a little too harsh?

Well nuts to you, because I have the ultimate proof:

Here’s him being a pest and trying to steal a box away from his oldest brother

And here’s them now – there’s no way the two of them would fit inside anything anymore!

His favorite position:

Our family (can you guess which one is The Pudgester?):

P.S. On another interesting note, Jakob is the same silly cat who’s sexuality I questioned in “I Think My Cat Might Be Gay? (Not that there’s anything wrong with it)” Mr. Brando’s sexuality had been questioned also to which he is quoted as saying “Homosexuality is so much in fashion it no longer makes news. Like a large number of men, I, too, have had homosexual experiences and I am not ashamed. I have never paid much attention to what people think about me. But if there is someone who is convinced that Jack Nicholson and I are lovers, may they continue to do so. I find it amusing.”

I’m watching as once again my fat cat has his nose shoved up the rear of my poor older cat.

I started to notice these attacks on my two other cats just a few months ago. The cats will be sitting or sleeping, just minding their own business. Suddenly the pudgester will run up behind them and shove his nose under their tail. The poor victim will freeze in shock for a moment and then try to run away, all the while with the butt sniffer still attached to them.

At first I chalked it up to him being a weird animal that likes the smell of poo. But that’s not the case with this fluff ball. In fact, he’s constantly crying for us to clean the litter boxes, even after they’ve just been cleaned.

To make this all weirder, after he gets a nice deep whiff he’ll spend the next half hour with his mouth hanging open!

Sometimes I find him just sniffing the floor. One of the cats would have just walked away after sleeping in one spot for hours. Nutso will have his nose glued to the now vacated spot on my hardwood floor. This time he’ll spend a while sniffing around, always with his mouth hanging open afterwards.

I know that dogs are constantly sniffing each others butts; it’s like a greeting and a dominance thing to them. But I’ve never heard of cats doing that. All my cats have been neutered so they don’t secrete any of the hormones or whatever that cats use to spray and stain your furniture. So just what is it that attracts him to their behinds so?

Dear Jakob,

I know you must hate me, especially after I promised you we wouldn’t be back here again, and I’m sorry. Both your dad and I did everything we could to prevent this, but it was no use. Your condition has gotten worse than ever and we have no other options!

You must be so miserable. I remember how scared you were the last time we brought you to the emergency room. I wasn’t able to see you for hours; when I did you were shaking like a leaf. You’re probably even more scared now, but at least they say that the procedure won’t be long. At most, you’ll only need to stay there for the night.

When you come home, you’re going to have to rest and let you stitches heal up. This means that you’re not going to be allowed to run around the entire house. And you’ll have to be careful around your siblings. Your little brother is going to want to play all the time and won’t understand that he might accidently hurt you. Try to be nice to him and don’t smack him in the face.

Though you’ll probably end up hating me more than you already do now, once we get home I will be enforcing a strict diet for you. Its doctor’s orders and do you want to have to come back to the emergency room again? Don’t even think of pouting to your father. The doctor bills are very expensive!

While it will be hard, please understand that this is for your own good. If you listen to mommy and the doctor, then you’ll feel so much better and won’t be bloated or throwing up anymore. All you need to do is eat the right food.

So that means no more buffalo chicken, no more Papa John’s, no more Cinnamon Toast Crunch, no more Hamburger Helper. And ABSOLUETLY NO more plastic bags! Even though your eating habits were horrible before, it’s all those CVS bags in your stomach that are making you sicker!

I will be calling the vet in a few hours to find out what time we can pick you up. Hang in there…I wonder, would you appreciate a picture of a person hanging from a tree? Oh well, I’ll just buy you a pack of catnip mice.

Love,

Mommy

1.       DO NOT go into the task bare handed.  You may think your cat is sweet and docile, but that will change the minute they realize you intend to put them in the water. Have a cat that’s older and mature and has never scratched you ever (even by accident)? He doesn’t care about breaking his track record; wear rubber gloves. Have a cat that’s perfectly self-trained into doing things such as sitting and fetching? He’ll instantly teach himself a few more tricks; wear rubber gloves. Have a cat that’s the size of Marlon Brando and never moves from his pillow? He’ll secretly have the agility of Michael Jordan; for the love of god, wear rubber gloves.

2.       DO NOT wear clothes such as tank tops, shorts, or even t-shirts. You would think this would be a good idea since you’ll be getting wet from head to toe. After all, the less to get wet and stick to you soggily the better, right? Wrong. Like the rubber gloves, clothing protects you from the scratches when your cat jumps out the tub. Yes, your cat will get out of the tub at one point, unless you’re Vin Diesel. Even so, you have to have a heart smaller than The Grinch if you can hold your cat with a pincer-like grip while he’s moaning pitifully with hair that’s so soaked that it looks like he’s shrunken down 5 times his size.

3.       DO NOT play any type of music that may be considered by your elderly neighbors to be from the soundtrack of a horror film. Apparently Depeche Mode fits into this category? No matter your personal opinion, playing music such as this, along with the splashing water and your cat’s howls, may be heard through an open window and your nosy neighbor will just HAVE to ring your doorbell. Since they know that someone is home they will keep ringing said bell so you might as well answer. You really don’t have much of a choice anyway because the minute the chimes are sounded your cat will become even more terrified, if possible.

4.       DO NOT answer your door still wearing the rubber gloves.

5.       DO NOT drop the soap. Just like in prison, this can result in bodily harm. The soap or shampoo bottle will cause a slight splash and scare your cat. This is where your drenched long sleeved shirt and pants will prove that they were worth the bulkiness. Even though you’re protected from harm, you don’t want your cat to escape and get dirty again, prolonging bath time. With that being said…

6.       DO NOT let your cat roam around the house until he’s 100 percent dry. Because it is now scarred for life from the bathing experience, he will hide in a small, dark and dirty place that will make you wonder if he ate magic mushrooms to fit through there. Once he emerges after refusing the thousands of bribes and traps you offered him, you will have to capture him and repeat the bathing torture for the both of you.